Hello my love!

I was thinking a lot about you today.. it is hard to keep each other filled in on everything that happens when our schedules are so different.. I am trying so hard to make sure this next year is different.. I hope this year we keep the efforts going even when it is difficult.. sometimes are communication needs to be worked on.. but you're right it is important to discuss how we feel in a calm way and not waste time by yelling and letting our anger cloud our judgement.. the few moments we have durning the day need to stop getting wasted with harsh words and miscommunication.. I love you so sooooo much and my days are filled with wanting to find new ways to show you love.. so random.. I came across the photo of us from last halloween and it warmed my heart.. Another year has passed and I still get to wake up with a phone call from you ending with "I love you" little things you do always make me feel so special.. I still remember last halloween when I got all dressed up to try and impress you and you showed up in your notorious nerd costume.. hahahahah.. we spent that night driving around talking and going where all the trick or treaters were.. thinking it was cute and trying not to be creepy.. then we got hot chocolate and watched hocus pocus.. That night was so much fun to me.. maybe I don't say it enough but my favorite memories with you are so simple.. maybe over two years ago we drove around LA looking at houses and listening to music.. we stopped at a little sandwich place that also sold wine.. I still remember what we ordered and the chips we ate too.. we were both so excited that we found such a cool little spot and almost ran back to the car just to eat everything.. what I am trying to say through all these little stories and things I write about is.. I love you.. just you.. the only reason all these stories mean so much to me are because you are in them.. flashes of your smile come to my head.. memories I have no one else can take.. you in the rawest form.. only I can see.. I love you Robert..

                                                              I'm... I'm so in love with you

Whatever you want to do

Is all right with me...

'Cause you... make me feel so brand new..

.And I... want to spend my life with you...

Let me say that since, baby

Since we've been together

...Loving you forever

Is what I... need...

Let me... be the one you come running to...

I'll... never be untrue...

Ooo baby...Let's, let's stay together...

Loving you whether, whether

Times are good or bad, happy or sad

Yeah...Whether times are good or bad, happy or sad

Why, somebody, why people break-up, turn around and make-up

I just can't deceive

You'd... never do that to me... 

Stayin' around you is all I see

Here's what I want us to do

Let's, we oughta stay together

Loving you whether, whether

Times are good or bad, happy or sad... Come on

Let's, let's stay together

Loving you whether, whether

Times are good or bad, happy or sad

And if you mess with me, you can't set me free

Woman let's, let's stay together

Loving you whether, whether

Times are good or bad, happy or sad

And if you mess with me, you can't set me free

Woman let's, let's stay together

Loving you whether, whether

Times are good or bad, happy or sad

And if you mess with me, oh woman, don't go away

Let's, let's stay together

Loving you whether, whether

Times are good or bad, happy or sad

And if you do me wrong, I just might leave you alone 

I will always love you..

Hello my love!

I am still so bummed about your watch.. I tried to get it fixed today but I don't think the guy can.. maybe I will get you new straps.. I know I already sent you these photos but I feel bad I don't have any with your watch in it.. and I just wanted you to look back on a little picnic from this weekend that I actually promised you a very long time ago.. I realize the efforts you ask of me take a little longer than you want and I am sorry for that.. also.. what you said today really stuck with me.. about focusing on what we can do for each other and worry about how we are misunderstanding situations.. and learn how to fix problems by not blaming.. but by understanding first what we did wrong.. you have no idea how much I appreciate you saying you noticed yourself losing patience and snapping at me more than you ever have before.. but I also wanted to tell you I realize my faults too.. and there were mistakes I made to make you fall into those habits.. we are both at fault and it is extremely comforting knowing we are trying not to blame.. instead trying to fault the faults we can fix in ourselves.. I love you Robert.. 

When you came to me with your bad dreams and your fears

                                                       It was easy to see that you'd been crying

Seems like everywhere you turn catastrophe it reigns

But who really profits from the dying

I could hold you in my armsI could hold you forever

I could hold you in my arms

I could hold you in my arms forever

When you kissed my lips with my mouth so full of questions

It's my worried mind that you quiet

Place your hands on my face

Close my eyes and say

Love is a poor man's food

Don't prophesize

I could hold you in my arms

I could hold you forever

And I could hold you in my arms

I could hold you forever

So now we see how it is

This fist begets the spear

Weapons of war

Symptoms of madness

Don't let your eyes refuse to see

Don't let your ears refuse to hear

Or you ain't never going to shake this sense of sadness

I could hold you in my arms

I could hold on forever

And I could hold you in my arms

I could hold forever

I will always love you..

Hello my love!

I am so sorry but today a strap on this watch broke.. soo.. this is the only picture I was able to take.. I wish I could have taken it with me today to show you all the little places we went.. My mom loved her birthday.. I only wish you could have been here to be with all of us.. I am having a difficult time admitting how much I really miss you.. I actually look forward to sitting here at the end of the day writing to you.. I love waking up in the morning knowing you read this.. even if you really don't hahahaha it may be hard for you to believe me but I get really excited sharing this that happen throughout my day with you.. It makes me feel as if you are here with me.. I know you're coming home this weekend and my anxiety has been building because I am hoping I can still see you.. I do not know the right words to say when I do something wrong.. and I have an even more difficult time making you feel better afterwards.. I am sorry for that.. I haven't talked to you all day.. but I had a flashback to the day we spent at the park and we just sat in the grass talking for hours.. everything seemed so simple then.. we just loved each other and wanted to spend as much time together as we could.. now I am struggling to get a few moments out of the day to text you.. it makes me sad.. but it also makes me appreciate all the amazing memories I have to look back on.. and the few minutes I can hear your voice.. what I would give to be back in the park with you.. just laying next to you watching you smile as you talk about your dreams.. now I am watching you make those dreams become a reality from a distance.. and even if my smile doesn't seem as large and instead we are laying in separate beds.. I am so proud of you.. for being brave and challenging yourself.. taking extreme sacrifices to better yourself..moments like these when I have the time to think about all we have gone through and I can't help but smile.. I grow in patience.. I will patiently wait until you're back in California and we get to make new memories.. I am trying Robert.. the ball can stay in my court for the rest of my life if it means you are right there next to me.. 

Shes got those eyes, those eyes

Thatll see right through you When she leaves, then I,

I wanna leave, with her too And shes on my mind

And I go all the time When we touch I go weak

And I can hardly speak And I hope that she thinks about me

                                                                                  Cause Im always thinking of her

I just wanna hold her hand, be her man

I wanna know if shed take a chance Cause I still have not revealed it

Cause I still get the feelin That lovin her is a game Ill always lose

                                                                                      I got the brown eyed blues

Its a shame I didnt meet her before

Cause now I wanna see her more than I should Who's to blame when shes always on my mind

And Id see her all the time if I could And I hope that she cares about me

                                                                                   Cause I know that I care for her

I just wanna hold her hand, be her man

I wanna know if shed take a chance Cause I still have not revealed it

Cause I still get the feelin That lovin her is a game Ill always lose

                                                                                   I got the brown eyed blues

I dont wanna be with anybody else

She makes me take a good look at myself She brings out the best in me

She doesn't think any less of me When I do the wrong thing

                                                                             She loves me for me and I cant explain

Oh be her man

I wanna know Cause I still have not revealed it

Cause I still get the feelin That lovin her is a game Ill always lose

                                                                                     I got the brown eyed blues

I just wanna hold her hand, be her man

I wanna know if shed take a chance Cause I still have not revealed it

Cause I still get the feelin That lovin her is a game Ill always lose

I got the brown eyed blues 

I will always love you..

Hello my love!


Today was extremely difficult.. I have never felt so emotional so suddenly.. It is interesting.. the more time we spend together you would think we would learn how to communicate properly.. but it seems like the moment you are away I lose my mind.. I am finding it so incredibly difficult to stay so calm knowing you are so far away.. I am still so wrong in so many different way.. and in complete honesty.. I still have so much more to learn from you.. in these past five years I have learned more about myself through you and have gained so much confidence in being around you.. You may not believe me when I tell you how amazing I think you are and how much I love hearing you talk about things you have the most confidence in.. I am trying so hard to keep this letter of my love positive.. I know you are very upset with me right now.. I will stop trying to avoid all uncomfortable conversations.. I feel so distant from you right now.. and you don't know how sorry I am and how badly I wish I could take everything back.. I lost my shit today.. you don't deserve that.. you asked me to please keep calm.. I am trying.. Robert compared to you I need to work on so much.. I am not even sure you will read this.. my anxiety is already starting to build at the thought of our next conversation.. Even with all this fighting that has been going on.. I made a simple promise that I really took to heart.. Every night away from you I will send you a letter filled with love.. my heart feels hurt right now.. and I am sorry for ever hurting your feelings.. I am still learning.. it has been a very long process.. I love you.. and I will gladly admit all of my wrongs.. I hope you at least read this.. and know I really take time to try and make you feel special.. my mind is all over the place right now because of what happened earlier.. please forgive me for my wrongs.. my stubbornness gets in the way of thinking clearly.. 

Come along it is the break of day
Surely now, you'll have some things to say
It's not the time for telling tales on me

So come along, it won't be long
'Til we return happy
Shut your eyes, there are no lies
In this world we call sleep
Let's desert this day of hurt
Tomorrow we'll be free

Let's not fight I'm tired can't we just sleep tonight?
Turn away it's just there's nothing left here to say
Turn around I know we're lost but soon we'll be found

Well it's been rough but we'll be just fine
Work it out yeah we'll survive
You mustn't let a few bad times dictate

So come along, it won't be long
'Til we return happy
Shut your eyes, there are no lies
In this world we call sleep
Let's desert this day of hurt
Tomorrow we'll be free

Let's not fight I'm tired can't we just sleep tonight?
Turn away it's just there's nothing left here to say
Turn around I know we're lost but soon we'll be found

Let's not fight I'm tired can't we just sleep tonight?
Turn away it's just there's nothing left here to say
Turn around I know we're lost but soon we'll be found, oh

Let's not fight I'm tired can't we just sleep tonight?
Turn away it's just there's nothing left here to say
Turn around I know we're lost but soon we'll be found

I know we're lost but soon we'll be found

i  will always love you..

Hello my love!

I did a lot of thinking today.. mostly about my idea of love and what it means to me.. before I met you I've always had this extravagant idea of what love was like.. I had so many scenarios ready to be played out when I met the one to make me feel this picture perfect idea of love.. I thought I knew how to be the perfect girl to match the perfect boy.. I was positive I knew what the perfect kiss would be like.. I believed two people were absolutely destined to be together when they met.. I honestly thought I knew exactly what it took to be in a serious relationship.. Robert when I was seventeen I had so much confidence that my communication skills were perfect.. Then I met you.. I was soo wrong.. I never never been so wrong in my entire life.. you made me realize my idea of love was complete bullshit.. You exceeded all expectations I ever imagined.. for the past few hours I have been stuck... looking through old texts and pictures.. I can honestly say you have changed my life for the better.. I thought I knew it all.. and I had a hard reality check when you moved away.. no one can ever come between you and I.. There are things only we understand.. and are able to articulate.. Long distance is extremely difficult and challenges even the strongest part of all relationships.. Robert the love I only imagined to be true was an imaginary love that had no depth.. what I have with you is something not even the most romantic novels can explain.. what we have is special.. extraordinary.. You are a man that women only dream of in books.. I fortunately get to call you.. The love of my life.. What I had imagined to be true.. seems like a mediocre version of the fairytale I call my life.. I boast about the man I found.. The idea most girls my age have of love is nothing compared to what we have together.. I can honestly say I am blessed.. Just because you are in my life.. Robert Mathias actually loves me.. He looks at me with love in his eyes.. I will be forever grateful.. I only wish you knew.. 

Come on skinny love just last the year
Pour a little salt we were never here
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer

I tell my love to wreck it all
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Right in the moment this order's tall

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind
In the morning I'll be with you
But it will be a different kind
'Cause I'll be holding all the tickets
And you'll be owning all the fines

Come on skinny love what happened here
Suckle on the hope in lite brassiere
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Sullen load is full, so slow on the split

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind
Now all your love is wasted?
Then who the hell was I?
Now I'm breaking at the bridges
And at the end of all your lines

Who will love you?
Who will fight?
Who will fall far behind?

Come on skinny love
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my

I promise to always love you 

Hello my love!

It has been a very long time since I've done this.. I honestly wanted to surprise you with this.. It isn't easy being away from you.. after a long summer filled with your presence I couldn't stop the feeling of being lonely taking over me.. I was trying to come up with a new way to show my never ending love for you..I can't be next to you.. so I promise for every night that I am not by your side.. I will send you a letter to read before you rest your head.. i started this the first year you were away from me.. now I want to make sure this last year we are apart I will dedicate each night to you.. I tried coming up with a cute little saying.. a letter a day keeps the doubt away.. but for some reason I hurt my own feelings by using the word "doubt" all jokes aside.. I wanted to do something simple.. spending every night making sure you feel special.. with all my love written out to you.. I know we are complicated and this distance keeps getting to us.. it is your first day back.. I am not ready to be away and worried about you.. I love you so damn much.. Robert you are my first priority from the start or the day to the last hour i am awake.. and I promise to continuously express that to you.. Maybe it is hard to believe now but.. you once said it important to act as husband and wife.. and i will do that.. for the rest of my life.. I love you Robert 

Wise men say
Only fools rush in
But I can't help falling in love with you
Shall I stay?
Would it be a sin
If I can't help falling in love with you?

Like a river flows
Surely to the sea
Darling, so it goes
Some things are meant to be
Take my hand,
Take my whole life, too
For I can't help falling in love with you

Like a river flows
Surely to the sea
Darling, so it goes
Some things are meant to be
Take my hand,
Take my whole life, too
For I can't help falling in love with you
For I can't help falling in love with you

I promise to always love you